Last weekend I had the honor of emceeing at a wedding for one of my good friends . During the toast I offered the following advice which is a paraphrase of a lecture from one of my favorite theologians, Stanley Hauerwas, in which I boldly proclaimed:
Three years into a marriage you will discover that you married the wrong person.
Not exactly something you would find on a Hallmark card is it? Needless to say the roomful of guests fell awkwardly silent save for a few folks murmoring their dissaproval. I then hastily added the qualifier:
And it’s at that point that you begin to learn what it truly means to love.
This principle is often referred to as the “Hauerwas Law” which simply says “You always marry the wrong person.” I think the following story highlights the importance of the Hauerwas Law.
In undergrad I had a friend who had been dating the same individual for several years. However, at a certain point in their relationship this individual claimed he needed to break up with my friend because, as he put it, he had “fallen out of love” with her. The problem with this approach is that love is not something that falls on us, it is something we practice. More importantly, this limited understanding of love leaves little room for the role of other Christian practices necessary for marriage like commitment, mercy, hospitality, and forgiveness.
Hauerwas offers his own reflection in A Community Of Character:
Christians have far too readily underwritten the romantic assumption that people ‘fall’ into love and then get married. We would be much better advised to suggest that love does not create marriage; rather marriage provides a good training ground to teach us what love involves.
p. 284
Similarly, he offers this explanation via an interview with Duke Magazine:
When couples come to ministers to talk about their marriage ceremonies, ministers think it’s interesting to ask if they love one another. What a stupid question! How would they know? A Christian marriage isn’t about whether you’re in love. Christian marriage is giving you the practice of fidelity over a lifetime in which you can look back upon the marriage and call it love. It is a hard discipline over many years.
Nevertheless, sensing that my “wrong person” statement was possibly a little heavy for a wedding dinner I thought I might lighten the tone by shifting from theology to philosophy! I was reading John Caputo’s What Would Jesus Deconstruct on my flight to the wedding and found this particular passage quite insightful.
…when you get married, you are saying ‘I do’ not only to who this person is, or who you think this person is, but to whomever or whatever this person is going to become, which is unknown and unforeseen to the both of you. That is a risk, what Levinas called a ‘beautiful risk,’ but it is a risk all the same…if it were a sure thing it would be about as beautiful as a conversation with your stockbroker.
p. 45
I think one of the reasons Christians experience so much difficulty with marriage is because we have failed to articulate a definition of love that is unique from what is exhibited in popular culture.
When my wife and I were married some friends of ours suggested we consider a covenant marriage—something popular with evangelicals—as an added buffer against the threat of divorce—also something popular with evangelicals. I declined on the basis that our marriage was a commitment to God and to each other in the presence, and participation, of the Church, which to me is considerably more binding than any government legislation.
I think it’s the Christian’s inability to make these kinds of distinctions that limits our understanding of how marriage might operate as a distinctly Christian practice.
What about you? Has marriage helped inform your understanding of love? In what ways do you think Christian love is incompatible with popular conceptions of love?
Having just had our 5th anniversary, I can say that everything you said makes perfect sense. The three year mark was without a doubt the beginning of the toughest part of our marraige so far (which sounds cheesy considering its only been 5 so far but who cares). Learning to really love each other, and not just to have deep affections for each other has been a painful and difficult process, but it has been one that has been extremely rewarding. However, I do think that it is possible to Love your spouse prior to marraige, I just think that it is a different experience. It is the culmination of what you understand to be Love up to that point. Some people are more emotionally and spiritually mature than others when they enter into the relationship that will eventually lead to marraige. Some people have a solid understanding of Love before they enter a marraige, but nothing can prepare you for the unique experience of marraige, that’s for sure.
After five years of marriage, my perspective on Love has changed drastically and yet I know that I have so much more to learn. I love what Caputo says about stepping out in faith and loving what the person will become. This is what God does in us. He loves us for what He knows we will be, not for what we are in the moment. In Judges 6, God calls Gideon a might man of valor. He calls this out in a man who fears he is weak because He knows what Gideon was intended to be. This is Love. And in marriage we can call out the man or woman God has intended our spouse to be and love in that, instead of a feeling. This is just one of many ways God uses marriage to teach us how to love.
Marriage has helped me to understand the gospel and understand what a complete turd I am. Because of Jody’s faithfulness to me,. . I understand a bit more fully the kind of love that Christ has.
That’s not to say I’ve had no fun. Jody has been the best thing that ever happened to me. But the rewards for a love that isn’t merit based or based on someone paying you back are much greater than any dating/puppy/mtv/dinner and a movie type of love.
Aaron
http://www.randominsights-aaron.blogspot.com
Thanks for this. I came upon your post when looking up a Hauerwas quote on marriage.
I have been with my partner now for just over three years. After consulting my friends, a number of them have advised against marriage/blessing etc. because my partner is of the same gender.
I hold us to be married (or covenanted, or committed) for life anyway, and passages from Hauerwas help to remind me of the fact that our love isn’t a feeling, but a gift, and that our relationship calls us to hospitality and service within the church. Not being married in a ceremony is a continual reminder that it’s going to be much more difficult to sustain a commitment that will remain invisible to many Christians. But it also provides a challenge and freedom to create something different.
I want to take up that challenge of Christian fidelity, and live the kind of life that can only be looked back upon as marriage. I know it is a hard discipline, but once one has embraced it as a hard discipline (and a gift), rather than something that just “happens”, I figure that it’s much easier to enter into the joy of continued existence alongside somebody else.
Hi Scott,
I like your site and appreciate your words about marriage. The Church in North America has failed and continues to fail in this area of ministry and discipleship. One of the tasks that those of us who are on the Church’s payroll have before us is reclaiming the language, role and purpose of marriage for the kingdom of God. Your comments on love are right on target. However, efforts to reclaim or reshape marriage for believers must go beyond the discourses on love.
I’ve been studying ‘church and marriage’ for about three years now and will begin sharing my thoughts at http://www.getrealaboutmarriage.org in January. I’d “love” to get your feedback and comments.